“They teach us how to wait not how to be single.”

Jane Austen’s “Persuasion” was published posthumously in 1817. The main character Anne is experiencing a sense of abnormality in her day and age. The fact is she is feeling what a lot of OBU students are feeling as well: pressure to be in a committed relationship.

The plot of “Persuasion” is as follows. Anne is born into a family that is filled with pride and greed. The family soon falls into debt after the death of Anne’s mother and the three daughters all begin to look for income through marriage. Captain Wentworth comes into Anne’s life when she is 19. They fall in love and soon become engaged, but Anne soon retakes her agreement because of a close family friend who discouraged the engagement. The story jumps forward to when Anne is 27. She is battling daily with the fact that she will probably die alone and old spinster.

I began reading “Persuasion” because I had to for my Restoration class at Oklahoma Baptist University (OBU). We were halfway through the novel when we began to discuss the intentions Austen had with her novel. One student claimed Austen was trying to address society’s distorted view of marriage in that time period. Another student whispered under their breath “OBU.” Chuckles rang throughout the room, but then I began to really think about what was being said. OBU is having the same problem as 17th century England when it comes to dating. Society is placing an expectation on people that should not be there.

I began to ask different OBU students how they felt about the dating culture. I asked two basic questions: do you think there is a pressure to be in a committed relationship at OBU and do you feel the pressure to be in a committed relationship. I began by asking varying years of students that were male. I will not be using their real names because they wanted to remain anonymous. Let’s call them: Bill, Henry, James, and John. Bill stated that he felt some pressure from OBU, but he felt it more from his family. “I think there generally is”, were his final thoughts. I then asked Henry and James their thoughts on the dating culture. Henry felt like there was pressure to be in a committed relationship. “They teach you how to wait, but not how to be single… but that is bound to happen in most Christian cultures.” This statement he made took me by surprise. I have grown up in a Christian atmosphere and had never felt the pressure to be in a relationship as much as I had at OBU. Henry believed that OBU was not the only Christian culture that struggled with dating. On the other hand, James did not feel pressure at all. He stated, “I don’t feel a stigma… I can see that it does exist for some people.” I asked him “Do you think that the stigma is gendered?” James said “Maybe.” John was the final male student I asked about the dating culture. He thought that OBU did not teach about singleness, which attributes to people feeling like they need to be in a relationship. “They just don’t teach the other side.” John followed up his statement saying, “[OBU’s dating culture] is nasty… it’s a let’s get married culture vs a hookup culture.” Both of these cultures are extremes and I wonder if there will ever be able to be a middle.

After hearing the male’s perspective, I went and asked three female students how they felt about OBU’s dating culture. Again I did not use their names because they wished to remain anonymous. Let’s call them: Hannah, Ashley, and Hailey. Hannah said she felt pressure to be in a committed relationship and went on to say “I think if you’re into someone there definitely is.” Her meaning is if you are going to date someone there is outside pressure encouraging the relationship to be a committed one at the beginning. After she said this, I asked if this was a gendered issue, and before I could even finish the sentence she said “Yes!” Ashley jumped in to say “It is more competitive [for women].” Ashley believed there was a stigma, but she agreed with Henry. She believed that the stigma would be found in most Christian cultures. Hannah stated, “The girl is asked more [about the relationship].” As a woman, I understood where both Hannah and Ashley were coming from, and it is frustrating to feel this way. How are we supposed to respond to this? Hailey, on the other hand, did not think there was a problem. She stated, “I believe there is a stigma, but not at OBU… we live in a society.” Hailey and Bill were the only two who did not blatantly agree that there was a stigma at OBU. They thought that people needed to stop being so caught up in what others thought about them, while Henry, James, John, Hannah, and Ashley all thought there was a stigma. Which is it? 70% of the people who were interviewed believed there is a stigma about dating at OBU. What do we do with this information? How do we begin changing the stigma?

I believe there is a stigma with being single or dating at this school. If you are not dating someone there is something wrong with you, but if you are dating people begin asking are you going to get married soon. It is a lose-lose cycle that needs to stop. The easiest solution would be for us all to stop trying to be a part of something that we are not. We all must begin to be less judgmental and more accepting of each other. We must learn to appreciate each season that we and others are in to end this ridiculous stigma.